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under the dark luming sky in the night where not a single star can be seen, i wonder if u can hear the whimperings of my sorrows crying out loud. the silent tears falling down my eyes were ignorant in yours and it seems like my dog loves me more than you. under such circumstances love is no longer applicable in our context thus my emotions will never be justified in everyway. the more i dwell on how i feel, the more these raging sorrows will soar. it's time i keep this history deep in the closet of my heart and locked with a key that is thrown deep in the seas. i am ready or so i guess. no time to lose so ready get set and go!
love seems to be non-existent in my life nowadays as i wake up with nothing to look or work towards to. sleep and training is all i think about. how many good guys will i meet? how many right guys will i meet? and who will be the one for me? obviously now is not the time for me to ponder upon such things. i really want to meet God again so that he'll guide me to the right path. thankfully i still have friends around me to make me feel loved and cared for.
i miss:
dating
shopping
having loads of free time and money! to travel around w/o parents
having a good book to read
hearing god's word.
after telling the cab driver whereabouts my destination was, a thought or ratehr a revelation appeared. and the revelation was that i need solutions not answers. my life is now hectic and tiring, which apparently was not due to the intensity of trainings or the intensity of my working days. in fact, i am worn out by the problems that had appeared suddenly and continually. answers will just anger me and make me ponder even more about why things have turned sour; in the end making me dwell upon the unhappiness. i need solutions to resolve whatever that had happened and things that are going on. i pray that another revelation will enlighten me. i hate to see my friends and the people around me feeling so down and having their heart filled up with hatered and vengence. i have only one word for my life, ugly. i need solutions to make peace. if only these misunderstandings will just end and people will just stop assuming and stop thinking that they are always right.
i have given my best
i do not have as much chance given to me
whatever i do, it is never enough
i am starting to burn out
i am not focused enough
i am giving a straight face because i am trying to be focused and do things right.
i am yelled at for no apparent reason
life is getting more and more stressed up.
i need a break soon, real soon. just one night and it will be satisfying enough.
moving on to another topic which i have been constantly pondering.
i wonder what do you think of me as now and where do i stand. though only your nights are your only lonely and free time, i am willing to take it up becasue even that little amount means smth to me. which already is enough to make me happy.
POMO's TCC is officially the best! the food was great and the staff are not only friendly but i would say, amazing! they are just so considerate!! craving for TCC? Go to the one at POMO! you will not regret!
*Smiles* i just feel happy and i pray that this happiness will stay. thanks.
i really miss having the extra time to spend with my friends and i feel uneasy whenever my schedule is disrupted and i end up having to spend certain days alone; i just can't spend time doing nothing anymore. i need a plan, a new schedule and a new goal list.
i clearly know that you have already made up your mind and this thought has never failed to sadden me whenever i see you. knowing that it is so close yet so far. many a times i had been holding back those tears at durty nelly's and there were really occasions where i felt like dashing to the toilet for some 'cry time'. however that never happened as i just felt the need to be professional at work and just to toughen up. i wonder if this is a sign for me to start putting the past behind and just give up on you. i wonder if this issue is hindering me from anything as i have not felt as though i am held back for anything greater.
i am still as silly. i am still as foolish. i have not wisen up. i have been disappointing you. i have not met up to your expectations. i am now a nobody to you. my heart is continually broken from pieces to pieces. i am disheartened by love and now this 4 letter word means almost nothing to me nowadays. i feel empty and void. love is disappearing from my life as the clock ticks. i miss the rejuvenation that love gives. nothing can be compared to those happy days spent with you. though we've been together for almost 3 years, the happy days were short and never long lasting. sometimes, i would just wonder how many happy days were there among those 1095 days? i wonder and that thought kept me pondering. i will never dare to day that all those 1095 days were happy ones because most of the time spent were usually us conversing in quarrels that lasted for hours without us knowing why we were quarreling for. i may miss having you by my side, at times due to loneliness, but it is time for me to toughen up. i know that i can pull through this myself this time, without any other guys to fill in the space for me. i want to be focused with the things are placed in my life now. i need to be. TOUGH and Focused.
i miss your hug
i miss going out with you.
i miss the nights being by your side.
i miss dining with you
i miss recieving your gifts.
i miss being embraced by your love
i miss looking at you
i miss have your eyes fixed on me
i miss knowing that you will be by my side no matter what.
i miss watching movies with you
i miss cooking with you
i miss baking for you
i miss looking through facebook profiles with you
I HAVE YET TO:
-TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD WITH YOU
-KNOW IF I WILL SPEND A PART OF MY FUTURE WITH YOU
-BUFFET WITH YOU AT MELTZ CAFE.
i really want to continue having a part of my life with you.
i have screwed up so badly that i have reached the land where i can never have another chance anymore, i place where hope is bleak and non-existent. i wonder what does the future holds for the both of us now and i wonder if our lives will still be crosssed forever. i honestly miss those times with you and lonely nights without you is just never the same.
let's start with the good stuff first. i would like to thanks the girls for celebrating halloween with me and making it my first ever costume wearing halloween. though it was a last minute decision to buy the costume, our efforts paid off! it was a hell of a good time spending our time at DBL O! the best part, becasue we were wearing costumes, we've got free enquiries but not all of us. thankfully, i managed to get a free entry and didn't have to pay. at such a cash strap situation i was still able to enjoy myself there and honestly, i feel that it is a blessing from God. like i could really enjoy without being bounded to my cash strap situation.
most importantly i would like to thanks my friends who were understanding about my situation and was so ever ready and willing to lend me the cash when i needed it. without them, i would not have been able to travel around and vitally, get home. hahah. it was a funny and desperate situation this morning after club ended. haha.
to sheena: i really liked your gift! i love the lip balm and it smells really nice. i like the polaroid photo album too. *thanks*
after all these high points, everything that bombarded me thereafter was like an anchor to the sea. i feel that my birthday is partialy ruined and no matter what i do i find that there isn't anymore motivation towards it anymore. i might not even see you again anymore. you will still be present in my heart secretly. i'll remember every single thing.
daylight seems so far from the night.
i fear the dark for it engulfs me.
the cool breeze sends down chill,
and cuts my skin like icicles.
i hate the night for the warmth is absent,
for sunlight is not present.
darkness strains my eyes
and blur my vision.
at night i am no different from a blind.
the night i wish would quickly pass,
so dawn will arrive to enlighten me.
deep down in me, i am an empty vessel an am no longer the girl who used to devote my time to God and seeking God when making decisions. I miss your word, God. i no longer am filled with love so overflowing that i could pass on my love to my fellow friends around me, making them feel welcomed, loved and treasured.
Before heading for my appointment today, i bumped into my very first cell group leader. she was and is the only cell group leader that till date i will always respect the most and listen to still no matter what. she really led by being a great example of a true believer of God. after meeting her, i had realized how much i had changed ever since. physical difference was the obvious but spiritually, i felt empty. i no longer am sure where i am heading. the goals in my life are all short term goals. like finishing polytechnic, sending in schedules weekly. until now, my future after poly is still a blur to my eyes. i cannot truly envision myself doing anything at all. i am heading nowhere without a vision or a lit path to guide me. though fashion design is my dream, i do not know exactly where i should pursue that dream from. should i pursue it from an overseas institute or locally? Should i travel out of the borders of my country to a foreign land to study fashion from renowned fashion institutes? and where thou shall i head to upon my graduation? an internship from a big fashion house? if so, how am i going to earn it? how have my road've been paved? where thou shall i go? i feel lost yet belonged, maybe partly because i am materalistic and i am still live for the world.
My life:
Rexaz Cheer trainings
Durty Nelly's, Work
RP, School
FYP
what should be the things that i continue holding on to right now at this moment? what are the things that i should start leaving behind and move on without?
are you already starting to move on without me? are you now too caught up with the things revolving around you life now that you have left me out? i really don't want to be left out from your life, i want to be part of it even if it means that i am your behind the scene's woman. as long as you still show me some care and give me attention. i feel very comfortable when i am with you, very homely and at home.
will you start showering care for me, or will i always stay as your back up plan? when 5 years pass or 10 years pass, will it still be the same? will i stand a chance for a normal love life for you?
sadly, i was sent back from work early due to the quiet crowd in Durty Nelly's. i feel rather lost and alone after being sent off as i set off my foot walking cross the road to the city link underpass to the mrt and along the way munching onto the fluffy japanese blueberry bread. the train journey home just seemed so long and draggy, it was to me the longest ride ever from city hall back to boon lay. upon my arrival, i felt a hunger pang and decided to eat at the hawker center at jurong point. before i could order anything, the cleaner started packing the chairs and everything. however i still oppossingly took down two chairs, one for myself and the other my bag, and sat down after ordering my food. guessed i pissed the cleaner as he ignorantly started spraying the water hose around to clean up the place while I WAS EATING! can you believe it?!?! what i 'pleasant' supper i must say!
due to the supper, i happened to miss the last bus to my house, or so i thought until i saw one passing by me as i was walking down streets after streets before reaching my house.while along the way, i had this sudden rush of vanilla twilight feeling passing through my veins and exploding emotions about how much i miss You. at that very moment it sparked me that i really miss holding your hands and how nicely your fingers just fill ups the gaps between my fingers. how much i miss chatting with you to the wee hours and ect... it was just the nostalgia gushing all over me making me feel emotional about almost everything. in a blink of an eye, i became teary but i held back those tears as i did not want to feel negative about the position i am in now. i am happy as long as you are.
sadly, i was sent back from work early due to the quiet crowd in Durty Nelly's. i feel rather lost and alone after being sent off as i set off my foot walking cross the road to the city link underpass to the mrt and along the way munching onto the fluffy japanese blueberry bread. the train journey home just seemed so long and draggy, it was to me the longest ride ever from city hall back to boon lay. upon my arrival, i felt a hunger pang and decided to eat at the hawker center at jurong point. before i could order anything, the cleaner started packing the chairs and everything. however i still oppossingly took down two chairs, one for myself and the other my bag, and sat down after ordering my food. guessed i pissed the cleaner as he ignorantly started spraying the water hose around to clean up the place while I WAS EATING! can you believe it?!?! what i 'pleasant' supper i must say!
due to the supper, i happened to miss the last bus to my house, or so i thought until i saw one passing by me as i was walking down streets after streets before reaching my house.while along the way, i had this suddent rush of vanilla twilight feeling passing through my veins and exploding emotions about how much i miss You. at that very moment it sparked me that i really miss holding your hands and how nicely your fingers just fill ups the gaps between my fingers. how much i miss chatting with you to the wee hours and ecetra. it was just the nostalgial gushing all over me making me feel emotional about almost everything. in a blink of an eye, i became teary but i held back those tears as i did not want to feel negative about the position i am in now. i am happy as long as you are.
firstly, i see no reason why you did this to me. secondly, what joy do you find in by doing this to me?
you or should i say you two? you two are girls from polytechnics, one from republic and the other from temasek. you, the republic polytechnic student, are my classmate! MY COURSE MATE! Why so you still have to do this to me? Why do you have to send out such a message to ruin my reputation and set out such a rumor around the school? seriously what joy do you find in doing this? are you happy to see people live in misery and a couple break up? are you really happy seeing us this way? what if one day, such a thing happens to you and your dear boyfriend decides to end the relationship? how would you feel, do you have any idea how much the agony would be? have you ever given a thought to that? do you know how much this break up has caused an agony that had left a scar in both of us lives? do you have any idea how much this whole saga has altered both of our lives? do you know?!??! you have totally changed both of our lives. it is all because of you! idiotic horrible incorrigible freaking nosy bitch duo! the republiC polytechnic girl is someone i will never forget, becAuse you have iMpacted my life greatly In a way that i will Eever ever forget in my life. for those curious peeps out there, she was my year 3 semester 2 classmate and her name i would say is pretty much clearly depicted in this post. honestly speaking, what you had done will never ever bring joy or happiness in your life so i do not understand why you have put in so much effort in going all out to break the both of us up. i have always believed in reaping what you sow, remember what you have done and one day the same thing might just happen in your life and i can promise you that it will never be from me. Firstly because i am not as despicable as you and secondly i really have much more things in life to attend to than revenging on this menial set back.
oh yes and For the reader's information the temasek polytechnic student happens to be the rp's BFF and my ex boyfriend's course mate. seriously, get a life the both of you. since you two have so much energy why don't you guys start spending the energy on your studies, especially with projects coming up and do something more meaningful in life! being all bones doesn't mean that you have a full and perfect figure. what is being skinny and without having the accentuation of the boobs and butt. you will look just like a she male. a skinny fuguly guy. furthermore, what is skinny legs without the tone? it ill just be chop stick legs. especially with those flat butts, how nice will you look in even the most expensive clothes? i really wonder, perhaps push up bras will work for you, then again, how far can you go with those? when the guy undresses you, all your 'illustrated' physical appearances would be nothing but a lie. though i may be of a fuller figure, having fatter legs than you, i am happy with my figure.
now i have lost my love, my only true love to a fairly stupid reason and mistake! it could have been a mistake but thentired again, is it really a blessing in disguise? i sometimes do wonder if true love will be able to withstand anything and what i have experienced for the past 2 years plus was true love. honestly, it might not have been but will i be able to put in my efforts into turning the feelings between us into love and a love that could withstand anything. feelings are always present between people and it takes on many other forms, love, puppy love, true love, like, friendship, sexual attraction, many other attractions. is any of these attractions a good thing or just a guy or girl trying to possess that person for that period and mistakes it for love. after that feelings fades away and is being replaced by another feeling.
i don't need another person to come into my life or attempt to go after me now because i am really tired of trying to develop another love with anotehr person. honestly, i just wanna hang on for a little while to see how far can this go on.
being with you was like summer throughout my life, always having the sun over my head keeping warmth in me from bones to skin and skin to bones. your love was like fire to my candle wick, bringing me the reason of my exsistence, lighting my path and bringknowing light into my life. have you not felt the same way i did or know that your exsistence had done my life such a pleasure? did you know? nevermind if you know this or not, it does not really matter anymore; because our love is now passe. memory will always stay and feelings might fade away but i will never forget how much you have impacted my life. i love you and i miss the way that you've gave me love.
there are so many things that i need now. i feel that my body is void of the soul that i once had, a soul nourished with love and ambitions. now, i feel very empty, my body is an empty vessel storing a soul that is nothing. i miss having goals in life, having a vision that i've used to work towards. mainly, i feel void of emotions and perseverance in my life.
i would not deny how much i wish to be nourished with love now, be it from a guy or a close friend. honestly, i want to feel being reciprocated back. then again, i shall not force my wishes upon other people. all i can do now is enjoy their company with me and also at least still having them around. especially onglai.
i miss having girls time too. i miss going out with girls and do shopping or watching movies or just hanging out. gosh!!!
i miss going out. i miss having fun.
some people are just blessed with having girls or guys flocking around them, flattering them to cloud nine. i really admire how those people can manipulate their charm to such extend. or perhaps it is just a natural flare that exudes from them, which makes it even more envying. they are really amazing and they are the beautiful people we see everyday.
the greatest thing that God has ever given to me is time. time on earth that never stops and ticks at every second of my life. there is often the phrase that goes, time will reveal everything, and to me this is very true. along my life, i have crossed path with many different kinds of people and it was only through time that God had revealed whether this person will stay on in my life or not or will be a helpful friend or otherwise. through time, i can see who is true to me and who is not. though i've been naive before, it was also through time that God has slowly matured me in the way i think and the way i do things. time is also an asset given to me, as we all know time builds everything and will crumble some things too. time has built me to become who i am today. time has shown me who will never stay in my life and who had told me those beautifully crafted lies. time can be your nemesis, enemy or your best friend. it depends on the angle that you've chose to take on viewing things. time is beautiful.
